10 bí quyết giữ lửa tình của các cặp vợ chồng hạnh phúc

“Chìa khóa” giữ gìn tình yêu của họ là luôn suy nghĩ tích cực về nhau, giải quyết xung đột một cách khéo léo và rộng lượng tha thứ cho lỗi lầm của người kia…

Chuyên viên tâm lý Trần Đăng Thảo, Văn phòng Tư vấn TT&T, Tổng đài 1088 TP HCM cho rằng, việc cả hai vợ chồng đều ý thức giữ gìn mối quan hệ tốt đẹp với nhau là yếu tố quan trọng hàng đầu để có cuộc sống hôn nhân viên mãn. Một gia đình sẽ không thể hạnh phúc nếu “trống đánh xuôi, kèn thổi ngược”, tức là một người luôn cố gắng giữ gìn hạnh phúc còn người kia thờ ơ hoặc muốn phá vỡ hạnh phúc đó. Triết gia Paul Tillich nói: “Bất kỳ mối quan hệ sâu sắc nào cũng luôn đòi hỏi sự thận trọng và cần được nuôi dưỡng thường xuyên”.

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Ảnh minh họa: toilamme.

Ông Thảo đúc kết những bí quyết giữ gìn hạnh phúc gia đình được chính những cặp cặp vợ chồng “tát biển Đông cũng cạn” chia sẻ như sau:

1. Thường xuyên tâm sự cùng nhau

Khi được hỏi, các cặp vợ chồng hạnh phúc cho biết, họ luôn muốn ở cùng người bạn đời của mình, cả hai có thể nói chuyện với nhau, làm việc cùng nhau hàng giờ mà không thấy chán. Vợ chồng ông Nguyễn Trung Thành (quận Bình Thạnh, TP HCM) cho biết, ông bà cưới nhau được hơn 4 thập kỷ, đã có 3 đứa con và 8 đứa cháu.

Ông Thành chia sẻ bí quyết để vợ chồng hòa thuận như sau: “Tôi đã làm cho vợ cảm thấy hạnh phúc và không phải thất vọng khi đặt lòng tin nơi tôi. Tôi yêu vợ và bà ấy cũng yêu tôi. Chúng tôi dành nhiều thời gian cho nhau, điều này cũng là một sự thỏa thuận trước khi kết hôn”.

2. Luôn giải quyết xung đột một cách khéo léo

“Trong cuộc xung đột, cần sự công bằng và rộng lượng” là câu châm ngôn nổi tiếng của The Tao. Khi hai người sống với nhau dưới một mái nhà chắc chắn sẽ có sự khác biệt và bất đồng về quan điểm. Những cặp vợ chồng hạnh phúc luôn đấu tranh cho quan điểm của mình, nhưng đấu tranh một cách khéo léo nhằm giúp cho mối quan hệ của họ bền chặt hơn. Họ đặc biệt tế nhị trong cách sử dụng ngôn từ để tránh làm tổn thương nhau.

Trong một khảo sát, nhà nghiên cứu Benjamin Seider, thuộc trường Đại học California (Berkeley) đã theo dõi mối tương quan giữa các cặp vợ chồng hạnh phúc. Ông thấy rằng, khi trò chuyện hoặc tranh luận, họ thường có xu hướng sử dụng đại từ số nhiều như “chúng tôi”, “chúng ta”  hơn là những đại từ số ít như “tôi” hay “của tôi”. Những cặp này thường không cảm thấy căng thẳng sau những cuộc tranh luận như các cặp vợ chồng khác.

Về điểm này, nhà nghiên cứu Benjamin Seider khuyên, khi vợ chồng tranh luận về bất kỳ vấn đề gì, nên ý thức sử dụng đại từ nhân xưng số nhiều như “chúng ta” nhiều hơn. Điều này sẽ giúp cả hai thấy rằng mình không phải là đối thủ của nhau mà là cùng một phe.

3. Thường tìm kiếm và trao cho nhau sự tha thứ

Có thể bạn không dễ dàng tha thứ và quên đi vụ việc tồi tệ vừa xảy ra, nhưng hãy cố gắng tha thứ và để mọi lỗi lầm được đẩy lùi vào quá khứ. Các cặp vợ chồng hạnh phúc chia sẻ rằng, họ luôn xin lỗi mỗi khi làm điều gì sai hoặc gây tổn thương cho đối phương. Khi họ là người bị tổn thương thì luôn chấp nhận lời xin lỗi từ người bạn đời và xem đó là một “món quà” trong cuộc sống gia đình. Tóm lại đích nhắm của các cặp vợ chồng hạnh phúc luôn hướng tới là sự tha thứ. Còn nếu bạn cảm thấy khó tha thứ, hãy tham khảo nguyên tắc 4 bước như sau:

– Tĩnh: Dành thời gian suy nghĩ về đối phương hoặc vấn đề đã xảy ra.

– Kiềm chế: Tránh suy nghĩ về việc xử phạt hay chia tay, bạn không nên nghĩ hay làm một hành động dại dột dù đó chỉ là suy nghĩ thoáng qua, đồng thời hãy dặn lòng tập sống khoan dung.

– Quên: Đừng tự dằn vặt xem ai là người có lỗi, hãy để mọi chuyện tự nhiên trôi qua.

– Tha thứ: Dùng lý trí để suy nghĩ về việc tha thứ. Nhưng thế sẽ không còn sự oán giận, đồng thời từ bỏ ý định trả đũa đối phương.

4. Xây dựng hạnh phúc là một chặng đường dài

Huấn luyện viên bóng rổ chuyên nghiệp Pat Riley từng nói: “Chỉ có hai sự lựa chọn cho một bản giao ước: Hoặc hai bạn là người trong cuộc hoặc cả hai là người ngoài cuộc. Không có sự lưỡng lự”. Khi vợ chồng về sống với nhau dưới một mái nhà, đó không đơn thuần như việc thực hiện lời hứa mà là sự cam kết.

Chia sẻ kinh nghiệm “kéo dài tuổi thọ tình yêu”, vợ chồng ông Trương Văn Đoản (quận 3, TP HCM) cho biết, sau gần 50 năm kết hôn gần, họ vẫn giữ được những nguyên tắc mà cả hai đã đặt ra từ đầu. “Hôn nhân của chúng tôi được xây dựng trên những lời tuyên thệ. Cả hai hứa rằng sẽ đồng hành cùng nhau trong lúc giàu sang cũng như nghèo khó, khi hạnh phúc cũng như khi đau khổ, lúc bệnh tật cũng như khi mạnh khỏe”, ông cụ cười móm mém nói.

Còn vợ ông là bà Nguyễn Thị Loan kể, hồi năm 49 tuổi, ông từng bị tai nạn giao thông suýt mất mạng. “Dù gia đình khó khăn, tôi luôn cố gắng tìm mọi cách để chữa trị cho chồng. Khi ông ấy nằm liệt trên giường bệnh, tôi luôn nhắc về lời giao ước ngày xưa để chồng có thêm động lực vượt qua nỗi đau. Với tôi, ông ấy là một người chồng tuyệt vời, giàu lòng vị tha, và là người duy nhất trên thế gian này tôi có thể tin tưởng tuyệt đối”.

5. Vợ chồng hạnh phúc luôn suy nghĩ tích cực về nhau

Nhà nghiên cứu về hôn nhân, tiến sĩ John Gottman, nói rằng tình yêu giữa các cặp vợ chồng hạnh phúc được xây dựng trên nền tảng sự tôn trọng, yêu thương và thông cảm lẫn nhau. Họ quan tâm đến những gì đang xảy ra trong cuộc sống của cả hai”. Mặt khác, khi khảo sát về những cuộc tranh luận giữa những cặp này, ông thấy rằng, ngay cả khi họ “gân cổ” nói với nhau thì cứ mỗi lời nhận xét tiêu cực, đi theo sau sẽ có 5 nhận xét tích cực. Ngược lại, những cặp đôi đổ vỡ trong hôn nhân thường có quá nhiều suy nghĩ và nhận xét tiêu cực về nhau.

6. Cùng nhau học hỏi và phát triển

Trong một buổi chia sẻ về kinh nghiệm giữ gìn hạnh phúc, ông Nguyễn Văn Danh (quận 10, TP HCM) cho biết, sau một thời gian kết hôn, vợ chồng ông thường rủ nhau đi học các lớp khiêu vũ, hội họa, văn hóa, chính trị và tham gia câu lạc bộ thơ…

“Chúng tôi học cùng lớp, cùng nhau học bài, cùng nhau đọc sách. Các lớp học giúp chúng tôi mở rộng tầm nhìn về tôn giáo, chính trị, văn học, lịch sử… Thậm chí khi viết sách, vợ chồng tôi còn ký tên là ‘đồng tác giả”, ông Danh kể.

Theo ông Danh, trong cuộc sống vợ chồng, người này có thế mạnh về mặt này, người kia có thế mạnh về mặt kia nên cần nhìn nhận điểm tích cực ấy nơi bạn đời. “Nếu một trong hai người trở nên tốt hơn thì người kia cũng sẽ hưởng ứng. Nếu một một người có hoạt động gì mới, người còn lại cũng hỗ trợ. Kết quả cuối cùng là đem lại cho vợ chồng một xúc cảm mạnh mẽ hơn và một tình yêu sâu đậm hơn”, đó là kinh nghiệm ông Danh đúc kết được.

7. Vợ chồng hạnh phúc không bao giờ ngừng hẹn hò

Đó là một bí quyết của mối quan hệ hạnh phúc được phát hiện bởi Matthew Boggs và Jason Miller. Hai nhà nghiên cứu này đã đi hơn 19.000 cây số để tìm kiếm và phỏng vấn những người mà họ gọi là “bậc thầy của hôn nhân”, hầu hết họ đều kết hôn từ 40 năm trở lên và có cuộc sống gia đình hạnh phúc.

Những cặp vợ chồng ấy đã chia sẻ rằng họ luôn cố gắng duy trì sự lãng mạn trong đời sống hàng ngày. Một số ông chồng luôn dành ra ít nhất một buổi tối trong tuần cho việc hẹn hò vợ, số khác thì duy trì sự lãng mạn trong những ngày lễ hoặc dịp kỷ niệm, số còn lại thì thường có nhiều buổi hẹn hò với nhau tại quán cafe hoặc phòng trà.

8.  Luôn đem đến niềm vui cho nhau

Trong cuốn sách “The Real Rule of Life Balancing Life’s Terms With Your Own”, tác giả Ken Druck nói rằng ông luôn xem vợ là một món quà sinh nhật ngọt ngào. “Bà ấy có một giọng hát hay mà rất hiếm khi sử dụng. Có món quà nào tốt đẹp hơn thế nữa?”.

9. Tuân thủ quy tắc 60/40

Trong hôn nhân đừng nghĩ rằng điều gì cũng phải công bằng theo tỷ lệ 50/50. Có một quy tắc mà bận cần thuộc lòng đó là: Cho đi 60 và nhận về 40 thôi. Điều này đúng cho cả hai người. Trong đời sống vợ chồng, sự hy sinh, lòng vị tha là yếu tố rất quan trọng. Tuy nhiên cũng đừng ép buộc mình phải cho đi quá nhiều bởi bạn sẽ cảm thấy bí bách, nặng nề, mà ngược lại hãy nhận lại một ít cho riêng mình để đời sống vợ chồng thật sự là quà tặng cho nhau.

10. Thống nhất quan điểm về tiền bạc

Khi được hỏi về sự đồng thuận về việc sử dụng tài chính gia đình trong gần 60 năm qua, bà Nguyễn Thị Duyên (88 tuổi) mỉm cười đầy tự hào bảo: “Hạnh phúc trong hôn nhân quan trọng là chọn đúng người. Hai vợ chồng phải có sự tương đồng khi nhìn nhận về các giá trị cơ bản, kể cả tiền bạc. Đặc biệt về vấn đề tài chính, nếu bạn là một người tiêu tiền hoang phí, bạn nên kết hôn với người đàn ông có cái nhìn thoáng về tiền bạc. Riêng vợ chồng tôi giống nhau ở những mục tiêu chung: Sử dụng tiền tiết kiệm, mỗi khi muốn mua một món đồ lớn hơn 1 triệu đồng phải hỏi ý kiến của người kia. Chúng tôi cũng muốn con cái mình trở thành những công dân tốt và biết tiêu xài tiền bạc hợp lý”.

Thi Trân

Theo vnexpress.net

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